I drove past that road today, and then it hit me. It’s that street. 

To be honest, I don’t think about you that often. I don’t know if it’s because we were never actually that close, or I’ve suppressed thinking about it, or a combination of both. 

So I was surprised when there was a sudden pang in my chest, as if seeing that street sign forced me to remember. I had to blink back sudden tears and suddenly, the song on the radio, what my dad was saying to my sister, where we were going - they all didn’t matter any more. Everything was about you. 

Maybe there’s been more death in my life than the average 20 year old experiences. I don’t know. But there’s something deep inside of my soul that’s always grieving for someone, something. It’s not always so strong, but it’s there.

I have dreams sometimes, about losing someone that’s even closer to my heart than anyone I’ve ever lost. I always think about how I would respond - and my first thought is that I would hate seeing everything and everyone because they would see me cry and I wouldn’t be able to stop.

I know that the creator of the universe holds me dearly in His arms, that when I lose all else, He is there. But I also know that I am so deeply emotionally attached to people, to life, that I would not be able to make it if it wasn’t for Him. 

So I am trusting that at this moment, you are being physically, tangibly held in His arms, smiling that smile of yours and that I will be able to hold on to Him until He calls me home. 

when I’m freaking out about finals

that my roommate and I can turn on a worship song and sing together, letting God wash away our fear and anxiety.

Spirit, reign. Flood into our thirsty hearts again. You come, you come. 

which would be a lot. I wish I had been more consistent. I’m sure I’m going to leave a lot of things out

Intervarsity

• Frosh Frenzy
• Fall Con
• Small Group
• Ambiance - New Series poster making
• Hedrick Hangouts
• Rieber-Hedrick trip to Boba

JSA

• Six Flags
• Keidoro

Other

• got a job!
• haven’t eaten at Rieber Feast yet
• soooo many essays to write
• applying to study abroad

Today was kind of rough. It was a day that brought together all the frustrations & joys of the past 4 weeks. 

I had an 8 am today, but due to a long weekend of not getting much sleep, it was difficult getting up. At my 10 am discussion, I got back my first paper. C+. It was like a smack in the face. I’ve been struggling a lot with keeping up in my classes. I know I’m not wasting my time at all - in fact, compared to last year, I would say that I am using my time wisely. I haven’t watched any tv shows/dramas in weeks & I’m only on facebook when people message me & tumblr is almost non-existent for me. So this fear of not doing well was pretty much confirmed in this grade on this paper (which was supposed to be a lot lower, but she brought up the class average because it was our first paper…)

I was fasting lunch today and I also had a headache (probably from lack of sleep). This assignment grade pretty much tipped me over the edge. After praying with Esther & Josh for Fall Con invites…I pretty much just cried because I was so tired and frustrated. We prayed about my insecurities & the fact that I was validating myself with this grade. 

I felt better later. I took short naps twice today, which I never do. I hung out with Michelle for an hour before class. It turns out that a few of the guys that went to Six Flags with us yesterday were in my Japanese class, so that was a fun discovery. After class, I was able to hang out with and invite Rebecca. 

Dinner was early and super fun. It was just a lot of fun to relax and not worry about anything for a moment. I was really tired, so not a lot of studying got done today. 

I think the day ended well though. Justin was visiting and he gave me a big hug. I told him about my day, and he prayed for me and encouraged me a lot. He talked a bit about Solomon and how despite having great wealth, what he prayed for was to understand God & to be able to give God glory in whatever he did, however it turned out. So whether it be my studies, or spending time with people or IV events, as long as I remember that God is being glorified in what I do, Justin said that I would be able to pull through this. Not only was it encouraging to hear this, it was really nice to have Justin just really be there for me as a brother. I’ve always wanted an older brother, and in a lot of ways, different older guys in my life have filled that role, and I’m really grateful to them and to God for allowing me to have these strong dependable friendships with such wise and caring men.

Now I just need to get a lot of rest and focus on getting my readings done for midterms. In the midst of all of what’s going on, my prayer is that I would find my validation in God and how he sees me and that it would slowly start to change the way I see myself.

Solomon’s Prayer: “Give your servant therefore an understanding mind to govern your people, that I may discern between good and evil, for who is able to govern this your great people?” 1 Kings 3:9 

I love to dance. I’m really bad at it and I don’t know how but when there’s good music on with an awesome beat, I want to move. But not really in public… 

Today, there was a carnival kind of thing where all the recreational activities like sports, dance, martial arts, etc gave free lessons to give people a taste of what the classes were like. My friends were at a salsa lesson, which is fine because they love to dance and are not afraid to dance in public. I was sitting and watching them, which was fun enough for me because they looked like they were having a fantastic time. 

The song ended and it was time to switch partners. A freshman from my floor came up to me and asked me to dance with him. I told him that I didn’t really come here to dance and that I was really bad at it. He insisted that he was terrible too (he was not) and that it would be super fun and I should do it. I kept refusing and he finally gave up. 

I felt really bad. But inside, I knew that I couldn’t do it. There’s dancing by yourself with your favorite music. And then there’s dancing, holding someone’s hand, allowing them into your personal space. Yes, both are fun, both have their pros & cons. But for me, holding hands is an intimate thing, even when dancing, and it just felt weird to me to be that physically close to someone I had just met.

If I dance with someone, I want to be comfortable and feel safe. I want to know them and know that they won’t make fun of me and that they’ll be silly with me if it calls for it. I need to want that person to come into my personal space, to hold my hand and lead me. 

Until then, group dancing and dancing alone in my room for the win!!